Tears in Heaven.

I have always loved that song. It was written by Eric Clapton when his son fell off their apartment 53 floors high and died. He was only 4 years old. Imagining the pain for all family members brings tears to my eyes. This happened years ago. But my mom's passing was just 5 months fresh.

Last night, I woke up at 3 am to go tinkle. The whole house was quiet. I talked to Mom...

"Mom, if you are here, make any kind of noise downstairs, ANY KIND, and I promise I won't get scared." I waited...there was none.

I went back to bed and then suddenly, it was daylight. My heavy curtains were missing and the sun was shining through the window so brightly. She came in the door without knocking. She was wearing her leopard pattern shirt, khaki pants and red loafers. I made sure I took notice of everything. Her hair was shorter, right below the ear. She had no make up but still looked fresh. She leaned on the vanity table and said...

"You should take care of Ms. Sandico. And buy a heart shape diamond. We don't have a good quality heart shape diamond yet."

I was too stunned to talk or react. She came over around and sat where my pillow was. I moved to the center of the bed to face her.

I asked, "Mom? Are you happy?", she mumbled, "Oh yeah, I guess...ummm, I am ok." It was unclear. I wanted to know for sure if she was happy so I asked again. And she answered the same way. An unclear yes. I asked her if I could hug her.

"Of course", she said. So we went to the center of my room and I reached out very gently scared that if I held on to her too tight, she will disappear. And then we danced while hugging. I remember telling her, "Jenny and Ginny will be very jealous of me."

She pulled away and told me that she had to go. I wanted to die. It's as if we were in a movie where your loved one is walking backwards towards the door with her hand reaching out. I was reaching out to her begging her not to leave. But she had to.

And she closed the door and I woke up crying like I did when I learned of her death. Like how I am crying now, as I type.

I sat up, cried some more until I woke up AG and Jacqui. They asked me what was wrong and I just told them to go back to sleep.

After an hour or so, I fell asleep only to dream of her once again. And for sure, I woke up crying.

Thought I would share this with you.

I miss her so much.



Wish I could see her laugh again.

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